there was once...i typed a really long (& nice) entry...and POOF!... it became cyberspace dust motes >.<sigh. it was a really meaningful entry.i was crouched over like some (fucking) hunchback for just about 40 minutes.cant blame anything, i was so very interested on blogging from a handheld.anyway, what happened... happened.i am no longer is shock or suprise. you guys know what (the fuck) is going on.and i shan't name names.all the flak i've been recieving. all those negative vibes.i am not depressed okay? get it? well, you (meaning you guys) seem to find immense joy in me putting myself down.(that's hot)i mean, aren't you guys supposed to be happy i've found my (short-lived/non-existent)motivation?which apparently is no longer present. but re-fuelled by claims i am a threati raise up to the challenge? c'mon, get real. i have ben failing my class tests.ask the teachers for pete's sake.doesnt that mean i am stupid? and normal (meaning lazy and very ginger-ly)? and not motivated to study? and just because of ONE entry on this blog (which leads me to another subject), it prompted you guys to shun me, to treat me as a (fucking) threat. it's probably going to happen again, because of THIS entry. its a vicious cycle! (for other people reading this, i know you are confused, bear with me for a while)let's start from the beginning (duh, like you can begin from the end/back. paradox)Sports Day.
we were all running the same (fucking) races, right? you two, stuck together like glue and i was outcasted.who (reading this entry and this far now) has ever heard me saying i was outcasted (in blogs, in real life, heard rumours) before? this is not the first time(for people who dont know) that this has happened, perhaps just not in races. well well, i wasnt as fast as her. but the moment i said i cldnt run and asked you to relax. you retort back with a "please lor, if you are slow then i am what?" or a "please lor, you're fast" and then you turn away and talk to the other. and i am s t a n d i n g t h e r e... PLEASE LOR, SHE'S FASTER. WHY AINT YOU TALKING TO ME.YOOWHOOO. AM I INVISIBLE?! that probably didnt occur to you right? it's okay. the heat must have been getting to you. i'll take it as nothing (fucking) happened. the next day, thinking it was alright. you didnt bother to talk about it anymore. HEY! maybe you thought i was fine. i sure acted as if i was.you guys thought i was just "acting up" ont sports day. my illness, my plague.depression right? wrong.
Study Sessions
there were probably alot of smaller things that affected me in one way another but i choose to forget it.this one however, happened too fast too furious (cliche..hehe) too recently for me NOT to say anything.true, i was upset when ALL of you guys went to study without asking me. i suppose you guys had a reason. i had two. im supposed to be happy right. haha. first, three's a crowd.
second, we thought you cannot. accepted. :) really really honestly sincerely seriously. i plucked up enough courage to ask ___ to ask me should they be going again. thick skinned and i cant help it. i know you guys cant say no. its a dead end. so, i ask ___ too, if they/we were going. dont know know was the answer. okay. plus some lame excuse. so, i decided to go on my own. they did the most politically right thing. to appear there. it's really obvious when some things happen. i clearly told ___ that i could make it, if they asked. but they DID NOT BOTHER TO.this shows how depressed they think i am. or how irritating, or how digusting, or how funny. ( i could see the smiles on your face)
of course, you guys just wanna be happy and carefree ( and hypocritical)
i cannot stop that. if being (good/best)friends with me is so emotionally taxing on you (and causes so much problems), i can understand why you guys choose not to bother with me. have you ever heard of this particular saying? when friends argue(fall out) for the first time,its their fault. the second time it happens, its your fault. its not the first nor the secong time, proabably the third, fourth, fifth or sixth time? when it happens to other ( you know who i mean), they get forgiven and accepted. when it happens to me, i try and change but it doesnt feel the same. hypocritical too in a sense, you all say stuff and do the opposite. remember chinatown... blah blah blah. its so difficult to see through all the unspoken (unheard) rules of the clique. practicality is what matters at the end of the day. will it ever be friendship? (now, people... get it?)
this entry is so emotionally draining.appreciate those who care enough to read till this line :)
